Baby seal walks into a club
What a tragedy.
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Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
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What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
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How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
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He had won every award and received every possible accolade: he was simply the best scarecrow ever. He truly was out standing in his field.
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Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis.
They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole,
"Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top
of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says:
"Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says:
"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which
he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.
Once more, Ole shakes his haead.....
First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"
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Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"
To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"
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Two armed robbers raided a bank yesterday, only to find the vaults empty - except for one root vegetable in the middle of the room.
That certainly was a turnip for the crooks.
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I had a very nervous guitar playing friend.
He was always fretting about something.
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I took a beer bottle to the recycling center, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return.".
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I got sent a package the other day, but when it arrived it was all damp.
I complained at the post office, and they said it must have had postage dew.
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During a drought, things just go from one ex-stream to another
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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
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What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
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Why couldn't Tommy ride a bicycle?
Because he was a gold fish.
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Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms
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I told my Barn Owl Friend I got engaged
He Said "You twit to who?"
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I came home the other day to find my girlfriend dipping twenty pound notes in batter and frying them. I said, "There you go again, frittering our money away!"
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possesion of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. authorities believe he is a member of the notorius Al-Gebra movement, and have charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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